The Raging River and the Life Raft
Alison Epp MACP, CCC, RD
Canadian Certified Counsellor & Registered Dietitian
Specialty: Individuals impacted by abuse or coercive control, divorce & betrayal trauma
Have you ever felt like you are floating down a river, yet this river has many rapids and “floating” more accurately looks like desperately swimming and gasping for air? I have been there. I come to the work of supporting individuals who have been impacted by partner abuse or coercive control with a deep understanding from both personal and professional experience.
I want to introduce you to an analogy my colleague Jo Neill and I put together that describes what living with abuse may feel like. The hope is that you know you are not alone in this!
The Raging River and the Life Raft
co-authored by Alison Epp and Jo Neill
The Relationship Beginning
When a person decides to begin a relationship, it can be like choosing to dip your toes into a river to test out if you want to go for a swim. You may ask questions like- “Am I going to get into the river fully?”, “Is this river going to be safe?” Quickly you start to see that the river seems safe because he is being so kind and so far, treating you so well. He shares your interests and shows you lots of attention. Off you go for a dip in the river and it’s wonderful. No major red flags appear.
The First Incident
Not long into the swim something happens and the river bed suddenly becomes unstable. There is a current that almost takes you under. You are startled and taken aback but soon it settles, you find your feet and the river is stable again. This relates to The First Incident. You are alarmed but you excuse the incident because the swim has been so calm, refreshing and enjoyable up until then and the instability seems to settle. Given the balance of stability and instability, you decide to continue to swim. This makes sense.
Increasing Commitment Leading to the Raging River
The river swim continues and you decide you are going to fully emerge yourself into the water. You have fully committed to swimming in the river. This is when you move in together or get married or have a child. It is at this point that the river suddenly becomes way less calm and more often unstable and you are unsure what is happening and start to work very hard to keep swimming. You are doing everything you can to stay in calmer waters, trying to avoid the current and rapids. You are blamed for swimming in difficult waters, despite your efforts to stay in the calm waters.
Feeling Sick, Starting to Gasp for Air, Looking for Relief
You seek help and everywhere you turn you are blamed for swimming in the current or causing the instability in the river. You feel confused and crazy because you see that you are the one trying to stay in calm waters. There are moments the river calms but then the rapids begin again with no way for you to avoid them. The people you seek help and support from tell you that you are imagining the rapids or blame you in some way for the way you are swimming in the river.
Tension Builds and Explosion Tactics Increase
Eventually the waters become consistently choppy; it is all you can do to keep your head above water while the waters are raging and flowing really fast. You start to think you want out of the river but then the water is calm and it is these times and the memories of these times when it was always calm that keep you unsure as to whether you want to get out. You feel trapped, frozen, stuck and confused but keep much of this to yourself as you know that others may not understand or will simply blame you.
A Life Vest and a Life Raft
The calm never lasts and eventually you know you need out of the water. Someone, somehow gives you a life vest. You can put this on while you are in the river. It keeps you a bit safer and you feel a bit better. This life vest might be a support person who actually understands that it is the partner who is the raging river and that his actions are supported by the systems and dominant misconceptions or misunderstandings held by so many others. One day you start going to a support group that accurately names what you are experiencing as abuse and holds the perpetrator accountable, not excusing behaviour as his childhood wounding, anger issues, relationship difficulties or any other inaccurate reason. In this life raft and wearing your life vest you decide you are getting out of the water and into the life raft. You are faced with rapids and waves and strong currents but you are in the life raft and the crew are going through the same experiences and there are experienced people on board who know how to stay upright in the life raft and steer it around the rapids and over the waterfall. The people in the life raft hold onto each other as they navigate the waters.
The Raging River
While you are no longer living with the perpetrator, you begin to see that the river continues. The waters become the legal systems that favour rights over safety. It is the family and friends who still think he is a great guy because they never see what he does behind closed doors and do not believe your story when you were gasping for air, fighting for your life and sanity. It is the teachers at the kids’ school, the counsellors you see or your children see that do not fully understand. It is the lawyers who join in their abuse advising them to stretch out their legal proceedings until your money has run out. It is the society at large that silences her for being ‘alienating’ or ‘vengeful’. It is the fear, knowing that being out of the water does not mean he cannot find another way to pull you under again.
The Hope
Despite all of this, the people on the life raft hold onto each other, some are more scared than others, some are able to look up and around, but most often they simply take turns as they are each impacted by the waves and the impacts of the river as the raft keeps them afloat. They are not alone, they have each other, life vests, a life boat and the experiences of those who have learned how to navigate the waters without drowning.
Jo Neill and I are co-hosting a new podcast, When Love Hurts, with the authors of the powerful book When Love Hurts, Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis. The podcast launches November 25th,, 2025. The trailer is out now, so save the date, subscribe and listen.
If you are seeking support, please contact us. We are here to support and get you connected so you can join the women on the life raft.